The Birth of Me

Sometimes holding on to the control and curating the perfect environment and situation does more harm than good. Yet through the release of that control is a sense of freedom. Growth. Change. A catapult forward.

It’s one thing to be prepared and in control, but there’s also freedom in allowing situations to just be and flow through it.

This is the second year in a row that I have met with my Friend, Medium, Life Coach, Intuitive teacher… whatever “woo woo” title you want to put on her, she is my spiritual guide to help ground me. And each time I leave her, I find more clarity in my past year and a vision for the year to come.

You grow up thinking life should be one way and realize that it’s not that way. I thought I would be married and have children by 23 with that picture perfect loving life you only read about. This led me to holding on to relationships longer than I should have. When they ended it devastated me, and in certain circumstances them as well. And each time, I found myself shutting off that light-hearted, loving, and hopeful piece of me that craved loved. A natural a normal instinct.

Control.

Unbeknownst to me, I wouldn’t allow and be open to that perfect piece for me until I was 23. I had started the process of giving up on love and that picture perfect mindset and was in a place where I just wanted to have fun. No commitments. No expectations… And then he showed up like a wave crashing in to me that I couldn’t ignore.

We didn’t know where it would go. We didn’t know what would happen. We didn’t know if it would last. We didn’t know what *it* was. We came from two different worlds, raised two different ways and from two different backgrounds. Others even commented that we didn’t “look” like we belonged together. All we knew was that we had fun together, there wasn’t any pressure to be one way or another, and we challenged each other individually to be great from the witty comebacks to our individual daily lives. But together we were a force. We soared. We complimented each other’s lives.

And 3 years later, we made the ultimate sacrifice at that time in our lives and against everything we originally wanted when we both met, we committed our lives to one another.

This was an amazing result of when we both released control.

Marriage. Back to the thoughts and pressures we both had on how it should be. We moved to a new city with new people and away from our comfort zone to build our life from the ground up. In those four years I was so confused and floating through what I thought I should be doing.

I should be the picture perfect wife. I should take a step back on my goals because my husband was diving into his life’s calling. And as the good wife, I need to play the part. Continue to push him and keep him on the path to greatness. Support him and be the behind the scenes producer of his starring role. I took pleasure and pride knowing I was a major factor in his life – in his success. He had the spotlight and I was cheering from behind the curtain. I was proud. I still am so proud and I wouldn’t change any part of our story if I had the opportunity to go back and do that.

But I felt alone. I knew I was meant for more, but I had taken a step back on my dreams, my goals, my reality for four years.

Control.

We had the opportunity to move even further from our roots. And something in me was tugging to take that opportunity because it was a new place, new people, a new life, something I knew nothing about – outcomes I couldn’t control.

For him, it was an amazing opportunity. For me it was a time where I could reinvent myself with no distractions or expectations from our past. It was against what others thought we would do. What others wanted us to do. It was a time and place where I could rebel and go against the grain (something my friend Connie helped me uncover/remember in our intuitive reading together). I had the opportunity to make a choice for our life that was purely stubborn, independent, selfish, but completely needed. What’s funny is that some very close to us described this decision using the same adjectives – but not so much in a positive light, further instilling that this was the choice we needed to make for us to create our life without any outside influences. We moved shortly after my 30th birthday. I was scared, doubtful, hopeful, and optimistic. But it was new, exciting, and a new much needed challenge for us as individuals and a couple to really grow into who we are meant to be.

The result of releasing control.

Our first year of this newness hit me like another wave. The sudden and unexpected crash yet reminder that you are a small piece in this vast world. You can either look at it in two ways: It’s trying to crumble you or keep you humble to just stay in a state of flow.

I found myself after that first year of floating through the year, one of the best years of freedom and fun might I add, trying to tame and “get serious” about life again. I had an overwhelming guilt and longing to bring a child into this world and was trying not crumble in the thought that I was less than a woman because I couldn’t bear one. I made the excuse that it was due to the lack of stability, a solid path, and a lack of who I was and what my purpose was.

That was a lie, and the overwhelming stress came. I was pushing away and finding escapes in other places falling deeper into this place of confusion, hurt, a vast and overwhelming place of being lost that was emotionally tearing me apart.

Control.

And on my 31st birthday, I found myself sitting with Connie. I wanted and longed so badly to have a purpose, to really know who *I* was. Out of our time together she found that I was in fact lost. I was struggling. I was trying to control. But in the reading she uncovered that everything I truly wanted and longed for was right there. I was unintentionally blocking myself because I was speaking a different story into reality. As soon as we went our separate ways, it was as if another wave came crashing over me and everything started to fall into place. We conceived our child after four years and countless doctor visits, we were presented the opportunity to become business owners of a dream opportunity, and our the perfect home for us in this time in our life presented itself.

The result of releasing control.

12 months later, Connie and I were back in that all too familiar check in on how life is going. I sat there and almost broke. Everything we ever wanted was coming to fruition like the waves of Maverick’s Beach in the winter time only meant for big wave surfers. The doubt and uncertainty of if we were able to be the best parents, partners, business owners had made itself a home at the forefornt of my mind.

Were we ready? Connie simply sat there and laid it all out for me: My life was full of this beautiful dance between white knuckling and holding onto control with dear life when faced with massive change. Gathering all the information, obsessed with the potential outcomes with the need to know it all and have a sense of control over any way the dominoes lay. But when I release that control and just flow through life, the Universe, God, a Higher power provides way more than I could have planned for myself.

I was so scared that I was losing myself because all of a sudden all people looked at me and voiced to me was that I’m a mother. And I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that I’m more than just a mother. There is more depth to me that I felt people were missing and overstepping. I felt that because of this, I had cornered myself into never knowing who I truly was because all anyone saw of my life up to this point was my husband the Doctor and me the mother. And I held tighter and tighter to that rope trying to force to others that there is more to me. While I was focusing so much on what I didn’t want people to think of me as, just a mother, the more it happened because I was trying to control the situation.

And in reality each time I let go of that controlling rope I continue to grasp so tightly during big transitions in life, I am truly born. 2019 is meant to be the conclusion of a former way of life and thought process. And this year, my 32nd year of life is truly the birth of who I really am meant to be.

A mother. A wellness wife. A business owner. An influencer. An inspiration. All encompassing. A vast sea of different and amazing pieces.

Me.

Related links:
My Conception Story
Connie Rose Knows
My health and wellness team
Photographer

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